What is the difference between 'In Laws' and 'Out Laws'?
Answer: Out Laws are wanted!
Subject: FW: Older woman
> An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
> Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have
> Officer: Don't have one?
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
> Officer: Why not?
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
> Officer: Stole it?
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
> Officer: You what?
> Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the
trunk if you want
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to
his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
> Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty
> Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
> Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The
officer is quite
> Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
purse and hands it
to the officer.
> The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
> Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me
you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered
and hacked up the
> Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
(This story was told by an Australian speaker at a
Christian conference in Sydney)
Two Aussies appeared at the pearly gates of heaven,
catching the doorman completely by surprise; he was
certainly not expecting any Australians in heaven (because
of the countrys original settlement as a penal colony).
He asked them to please wait at the gates until he could
verify their credentials with Saint Peter (for some reason
in our folk humor Peter has been assigned all authority in
heaven too). When Peter was informed of these applications
from "down under," he, too, was caught off guard
and decided he would need to accompany the doorman back to
the pearly gates to talk to these unexpected visitors. But
when they arrived at the entrance, beholdthe Australians
were goneand so were the pearly gates!
(slightly adapted from Ravi Zacharias, Can Man Live
Without God, p134-135)
Two brothers were notorious around town for being as
crooked in their business dealings as they could possibly
be. That notwithstanding, they continued to progress from
wealth to greater wealth until suddenly one of the brothers
died. The surviving brother found himself in search of a
minister who would be willing to put the finishing touches
to the funeral. He finally made an offer to a minister that
was hard for him to refuse. "I will pay you a great
sum, he said, "if you will just do me one favor. In
eulogizing my brother, I want you to call him a saint,
and if you do, I will give you a handsome reward." The
minister, a shrewd pragmatist, agreed to comply. Why not?
The money could help put a new roof on the church.
When the funeral service began, the sanctuary was filled
by all the important business associates who had been
swindled through the years by these two brothers. Unaware of
the deal that had been made for the eulogy, they were
expecting to be vindicated by the public exposure of the
At last the much-awaited moment arrived, and the minister
spoke. "The man you see in the coffin was a vile and
debauched individual. He was a liar, a thief, a deceiver, a
manipulator, a reprobate, and a hedonist. He destroyed the
fortunes, careers, and lives of countless people in this
city, some of whom are here today. This man did every dirty,
rotten, unconscionable thing you can think of. But compared
to his brother here, he was a saint."
(from Ravi Zacharias, Can
>George Carlin's latest...
> >1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
> >does he become disoriented?
> >2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't
> >Holland called Holes?
> >3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a
> >4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
> >5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
> >6. If love is blind, why is it so popular?
> >7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your
thoughts", and you put your
> >two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
> >8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a
> >9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's
just stale bread to
> >begin with?
> >10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it
> >11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a
pianist but a person
> >who drives a race car not called a racist?
> >12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
> >13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
> >14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
> >15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest
sentence in the English language.
> >Could it be that "I do" is the longest
> >16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow
> >that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged,
> >models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
> >17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call
it Fed UP?
> >18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
> >19. What hair color do they put on the driver's
licenses of bald men?
> >20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the
Bible a whole lot
> >more as they get older, then it dawned on me -
they're cramming for their
> >final exam!
> >21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little
> >spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese
mothers use ? Toothpicks?
> >22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the
Post Office? What
> >are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they
just put their
> >pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could
look for them while
> >the mail?
> >23. If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are
> >others here for?
> >24. You never really learn to swear until you learn
> >25. No one ever says, "It's only a game",
when their team is winning.
> >26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be
if it didn't
> >27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door
> >went nuts!!!
> >28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
> >29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
> >Never give up on your kids.
> >>THE TALE OF RODNEY AND THE DONKEY
> >>A city boy, Rodney, moved to the country and
bought a donkey from an old
> >>farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.
> >>The next day the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry son, but I have some
> >>bad news, the donkey died."
> >>Rodney replied, "Well then, just give me my
money back." The farmer
> >>said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it
> >>Rodney said, "OK then, at least give me the
donkey." The farmer asked,
> >>"What ya gonna do with him?" Rodney,
"I'm going to raffle him off."
> >>Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead
donkey!" Rodney, "Sure I can. Watch
> >>me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
> >>A month later the farmer met up with Rodney and
asked, "What happened
> >>with that dead donkey?"
> >>Rodney, "I raffled him off. I sold 500
tickets at two dollars a piece
> >>and made a profit of $998."
> >>Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Rodney, "Just the guy who won. So I
> >>gave him his two dollars back."
> >>Rodney grew up and eventually became the chairman
of HIH, FAI and
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open
heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of
nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding
how he was going to pay
for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a rasp voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied: "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, Nuns are
spinsters ! Nuns are married to God." [That's why nuns wear
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother - in -
I have a van with advertising Christian Satellite
Television. My little town is quiet an attraction for
One day, a person from Israel stopped me to get some
information. Then he told me an Israeli joke. He said that
God first offered the
10 Commandments to the Moslems. But when they read thou
shalt not kill, they declined. Then God offered them to the
When they saw that thou shalt not commit adultery, they also
said that that law is not for them. Then finally God offered
the Jews. They ask, how much? They are free. Then give me
Daily Bible reading
The Good News
Jesus and 666
Mark of the Beast
The New Covenant
Romans chapter 13
Romans chapter 14
The Lord's Day
The Ten Commandments
Started Our Lord
Jesus in Heaven Jesus and His
Spirit of prophecy
The Final Anti-Christ